It is around 12 a.m. when his image comes to mind and I start to listen to the mellow songs of Kahitna.
It happens to me almost every night, especially on a long holiday like this when I get so much free time and tasks free. I can stay up until 3 a.m. usually browsing or watching.
Around 12 or 1 a.m. I unconsciously choose the mellow songs like Kahitna maybe because they are perfect at night. The songs successfully make me galau though.
I am a kind of person who can be easily affected by songs. I might be in a very good and energic mood, but once a sad or sweet song on, I can be very calm and sad. It just happens for no apparent reason. My assumption is because of the sweet lyrics in the songs which make me think of him. Once I listen to them, my mind will travel back in time and play the past memories over and over again. I will miss him then, and let myself drawn into the songs.
Many times I hope and prefer to be really busy, to have lots of assignments, to have myself read books, only because I don’t want to remember him or miss him. I prefer to be busy and stressed over the college stuff to have been tortured by the past memories.
And this time, around 12 or 1 a.m. that I often find myself missing him again, the time when I am lost among my own thoughts, my wildest fantasies, my dreams, and my wishful thinking, the time when I am touched by the sweet and deep lyrics that make me easily sob. It happens a lot when I have much free time, and I have three options in dealing with this:
1. Stop the songs
2. Get myself busy doing anything else that will distract me
3. Go to sleep
Sometimes I think and I ask myself, “Why do you listen to those songs if they make you sad?”. I obviously can choose other songs with other genres, I can just sleep instead of listening that kind of music in the middle of lonely night like this – I do have choices. But,
Sometimes we let ourselves sad because we need to reflect, we need to feel love even when it means hurting ourselves, we need to listen to something that tells exactly what we feel, we need to sit and stare the ceiling and remember someone we love.
And this brings such a greater power for me the next morning. That’s why you will find me so energic, full of jokes, and fun to be around with. The loneliness and the endless nights I have missing him give me strength. I always say to myself that mornings are meant to be enjoyed and to be dedicated to working, and nights are when you become who you are and you are allowed to be as vulnerable as possible, to be as fragile as you can be.
Missing you might hurt me like hell, but knowing that you are real, that you and I were once together, gives me hope. At the end of the day, it’s not me who wants to remember you – it’s the sunset, the wind, the evening sky, the moon, and even the very quiet night. It’s the beauty around me and the loneliness that lead me to you, that bring you back to me. And, I don’t mind having this galau feeling every night, cause this is how I remember you, this is how I keep you alive, sweetheart.