Love makes you weak and strong at the same time –
I have never been so lucky in love. I still remember when I was in junior high school, I liked my senior dearly. My days were full of my imagination about him. I told my friends about him, I wrote his name on my books, I was extremely happy to see his face. I visited his page, scrolled it down, learned everything about him. That was crazy, but love was crazy.
It turned bad – he had a girlfriend, he loved her and they were happy together. I was sad and depressed.
When I was in senior high school, I had the same feeling. I loved my senior too. He was good and kind. I did everything to impress him. It was insane. I told my friends about him, I wrote his name, I called him Mr. R, I visited his fb, looked at his photos and even saved them. I looked at his photo before I sleep, I was proud of him, I really liked his personality. I madly fell in love with him. Everything was like that – adoring someone and nothing happened. I loved him for two years until he graduated. It killed me to see his reply to someone else but not me, it killed me to see his photo with another girl. I was proud to love him, a simple reply meant a lot for me, I mentioned his name everyday. That was insane. I got his phone number, texted him and we had a good conversation. His replies were good and inspiring. He did inspire me to be a better person, that was what made me love him in the first place. But once again, nothing happened between us. I never told him about my feeling and he graduated, even after his graduation, he was still in my heart.
I thought I would not fall in love again at the university. There was no one I loved until I knew him. He is from another campus, he is someone whom I never meet before. He inspires me, I visit his twitter almost every night to see what’s new about him, I am proud of him and his accomplishments, I sent him emails, I tell my friends about him. I do everything that I did before. I adore him and I have a beautiful imagination of him. Nothing happens, I love him in my own way without telling him.
This is suck to love someone who does not love you back, to fight alone, to admire, to be happy even with the simplest thing, to hope, to dream, to imagine. This is suck to get jealous of someone who does not even yours, to be afraid of losing without even having, to do everything because of him. This is suck to know that all this time, someone is everything for me and I am nothing for him.
Love is something that makes me sad and weak. It makes me become a pessimist person, it makes me afraid, it makes me hate myself. This happens because all this time, I do not get the love that I want, I imagine, I hope. This is perhaps because I am not slim, beautiful, elegant, attractive. I am just done with love, I am tired of it.
I am tired of loving someone who does not even know me, I am tired of dreaming someone, I am tired of trying to impress those people that I love. I am tired of my own feeling. I am disappointed, I am sad, I cannot smile for this reason, I am pessimistic.
I do not know what is going to happen later in my life, but I will stop trying and looking for love. I will stop hoping and loving someone. I do not want to love someone else who does not love me back, I do not want to do things because he inspires me, I want to do tbings because of my own desire. I do not want to spend my time checking his account, I do not want to spend my night writing this sad story and imagine a fairytale who will never be exist. I am done and I am give up. I want to focus on people who love me for who I am, on my passions, on things that I am proud of, on things that make me happy. I do not want to exaggerate any feelings, I am friends with men, only friends and nothing special. Every kindness and affection will be considered as kindness and not love. I am done with my expectation in love. I am done with my beautiful imagination about fairytales, drama, romantic movies. I am done with hoping that one day I will have a romantic story like those in the movies. I am done with those beautiful yet imaginative feelings. I want to enjoy my life without loving a man, without having someone in particular, without admiring someone. I want to be tougher and work harder. I will stop day dreaming and praying for the love story. I am done with that. I am tired of loving and hoping alone. It is just not worth it and irrational. It makes me sad rather than happy, it gives me nothing but sadness. It gives me nothing but a pessimistic feeling, it gives me nothing but weakness.
That is true not to love someone deeply or make him/her your everything because when he/she leaves, he/she will leave you with nothing.
I do believe that I am better this way.
Love can be the medicine and the poison, it can heal and harm, it can strengthen and weaken, it can inspire and disappoint, it can help and kill. I have no idea what love is and I do not care about it for now, but I do know that the more you love, the more expectation you have and the more disappointment you will get.
Love makes you weak and strong at the same time –