I hate that feeling when you just finished watched a romantic movie or korean drama or whatever it was – very romantic because there was a strange feeling appeared inside me. The kind of feeling I could not describe, the feeling was like a combination between loneliness and hopeless. I was sorry for myself because of that. I did not know how to explain this, but for some moments, it just did not feel right. “There are moments when I am so happy with my friends, laugh out loud, live our lives to the fullest, watch a crazy movie. Then, the moments when I am in my room, alone and desperately need someone to talk to. Then, I start to imagine things that I wish happen in my life – like a prince charming comes along and gives me roses. Then, I go to sleep with the imagination, a wish of happy ending and for no reason, I start to cry.” It went like that when I was sad or lonely. I was very happy in the morning with my crazy yet amazing friends, but I was so weak at night. I was like a glass that easy to be broken. It was funny when I was the most talkative one among my friends, the one who made others laugh, the one whom they called “pelawak tingkat khatulistiwa” was unable to make herself happy at night. Well, sometimes the one who laughed a lot was the lonelinest and weakest one. In spite of from my loneliness at night, I always felt happy when I was with my friends. They were more than friends – they were family. One of the reasons why I love my friends so much was because I did not have any brother or sister. Friends were like my second family, my sisters and brothers whom I could count on. I loved it when I made them laugh so hard because of my jokes, when we laughed together. When Mbake said, “Mila mah improve bgt improve.” It made me proud of myself, I did not why, but to make people laugh was a kind of privilege. Once, I said to them that I wanted to be a comedian. They laughed because they thought it was a funny wish and I did not mean it when I actually did. I did mean it – to be a comedian because I can entertain people and forget my own misery.
I passed every single day happily, I am thankful for the things Allah had given to me until I write this. But, once again, there were moments when I was very lonely and “galau”. It felt like I need someone – a boyfriend (to be honest) to talk to. I wondered how it felt to have someone who loves you, supports you, those silly-simple-yet-romantic things a couple did in the movie. Every time I watched romantic movies, I always hoped to be the woman, the main character because I wanted to be treated that way – the way the man did in the movie. It just one of the miserable moments I had, and I hated myself because of that sometimes. Well, in this life, in order to be happier, we need to be sad first and in order to be stronger, we need to fall into pieces first. Well.
I do not want to share about this further because it will make me weaker than ever, so just finish it now. And in spite of my loneliness, my wish to have a prince charming, to be a comedian, I am thankful for everything I have in my life. And in spite of the heart break moments, I always believe that every single one of us deserves the best, a happy ending, the happiness. I might be pessimistic about love, but I never stop believe in love. Love, no matter how scary it may seems, is one of the important things in life that we must keep and fight for. Hobah!